In the metaphoric scrapbook of life, fatherhood is a life-long accumulation, an amalgamation of significant and insignificant moments, encounters and touchstones.

The day-to-day physical and financial responsibilities of fatherhood are long gone for me. That equates to a mix of heavy lifting, unconditional love, sincere relief, treasured memories, heartfelt celebrations, and a few episodes of painful regrets.

But that is all in the rearview mirror now. At this age (just a few weeks from my sixty-ninth birthday), my moments of fatherhood with my sons–Nick is forty-two, Kirk is thirty-seven–have morphed into fewer-but-sweeter encounters. A few shared dinners here with Nick. An exchange of “check-in” text messages with Kirk there, punctuated by bi-monthly, thirty-minute phone conversations.

It makes me happy to see how Nick and Kirk have built independent lives with meaningful relationships and sustaining jobs. My constant availability is no longer essential to their lives, but my love for them only continues to grow … and their love and appreciation for me and my life experiences does, too.

***

In June 2019, as Father’s Day approached, I wrote a piece about a conversation I had with Jacob. He was a new father and EKG technician who cared for me in Barnes-Jewish Hospital in 2017 in St. Louis, as I reclined on a gurney and dealt with the pain and uncertainty of a mild heart attack.

I remember how I provided encouragement for Jacob’s new status as a young dad as he attended to me. It took my mind off the trauma of those moments. So, in a sense, we helped each other navigate unchartered waters.

Our paths haven’t crossed since that inauspicious July day. But by now Jacob’s son is nine years old. I wonder how he and his dad are faring.

If I could speak with Jacob again, my advice–listed below in italics and pulled directly from my June 2019 essay–would include the same ten unsolicited bits of advice from seven years ago, but with a few additions.

***

1. Love your son … and tell him you do.

2. Listen to and validate his dreams.

3. Provide him with an honest and safe home.

4. Buy him nutritious food and encourage him to exercise.

5. Cheer him on when he succeeds. Encourage him when he fails.

6. Don’t spend a lot of money buying him new things. Spend it on shared experiences instead.

7. Teach him the importance of learning and saving for a rainy day.

8. Show him what it means to respect animals, nature, and diverse people.

9. Explain to him that it’s a sign of strength for a man to ask questions and show vulnerability.

10. Love your son no matter who he loves. Remind him that you will always be his dad.

***

Of course, the world has changed dramatically in the past seven years. It’s a more fearful place.

I still cling to hope that our country will find its way out of the abyss. For that to happen, the onus will be on dads (and moms) to give more of themselves. So, I have added these five caveats to my list:

11. Teach your son to honor equality and respect the past and present contributions of women and minorities.

12. Always seek the truth and beware of false idols.

13. Own your mistakes and learn from them.

14. Be a good neighbor and kind citizen.

15. Do the right thing. Stand up for your convictions. Your son is watching.